So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
