party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
As shirtless as possible
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
