Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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