She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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