My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
