she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
