How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I don't deserve a penis
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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