Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
