remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
