I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
