i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
