I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
