I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
