How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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