I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
