i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
