break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
