I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
