So drunk, too bad you don't want this
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
