you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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