apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
