omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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