I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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