girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
