last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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