i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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