I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
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