I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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