I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
