I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
