his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
