You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There r osticjed everywhere
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize