Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
