just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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