My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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