I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
