yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
