The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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