I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
