I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
