dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he just fucked me for my cheese..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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