I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
