you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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