if i can run in heels then i can drive
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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