M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
