Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
