i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
