I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
