oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize