I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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