Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
