My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Dicks are not precious.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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