It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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