I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
