I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
