Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
