So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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