Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
