I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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