If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
