I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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