I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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