Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
